i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
