Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
