Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
