Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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