My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
