my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
