everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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