He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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