I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
