plz talk dirty to me
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
