So drunk its hurt
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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