Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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