this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
