You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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