PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dude i'm inner monologue high
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Randomize
