you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We need to get me chipped asap
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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