I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
