whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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