he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
