They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
