Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
