I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
