I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
