I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
