there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
