What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
