My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
