i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
