i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize