I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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