She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
