I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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