I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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