the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
