Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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