Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
