I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
