I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
