I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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