I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize