i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
