Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
