Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
