2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
