I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
