literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
