I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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