After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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