I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize