Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
