Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
