I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
