i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
