I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
