I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
