hell yes lets make some ravioli
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
