WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
