I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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