Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
