I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
