I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
